I Write to Live.

Once on a long drive, I listened to an interview between Brené Brown and Dr. Sarah Lewis. The main gist of the conversation (though don’t quote me on definitions) is to compare the difference between success, an arrival, and mastery, an eternal reach. I’d recommend this episode to anyone, but a quote that sticks with me, the one I will elaborate on, is “I write to save my own live.”

A book I wrote because I wanted to save my own life with it… The writing of it was really the nourishment.

During the California fires, when faced with an evacuation warning, I began packing things, I surprised myself when I found myself packing essential, things essential for me to work on my comic, and a copy of each of my two published comic books.
Recently, my depression/anxiety has returned, along with a downpour of “meaning of life” questions: What am I doing? Why do I do the things I do? Is anything worth [my energy]? What is the best way to live my life? A big question on my mind was if my obsessive desire to finish my comic was serving me. Why is it that when people ask what’s on my bucket list, or what I want to do most, it’s to finish book three?
My first book helped me cope with a deep sense of isolation I felt from not being able to open to others about my struggles. Me second book helped me process very traumatic events in my life. Many days when I was suicidal, I told myself, “I will at least wait until after I finish this book.” I suppose the quote sticks out to me because, indeed, I was writing my books to save my own life, to nourish it.

But what now? When I was listening to that interview, I had been agonizing over the anxiety, this pressure and desperation I’ve been experiencing to finish my third comic book as soon as possible. And then I had to take a step back if, any of it was worth it. After finishing the episode, I wondered to myself, was I creating in the pursuit of success, as a means to the end, or of mastery, because the process helps me grow?
I think because of my needs to heal, I’ve tentatively concluded that my answer is both; I think that’s okay. As for my comic, I’m just trying to take it a day at a time, knowing I want nothing more in the world (sometimes…) than to finish book three, but that I’m writing to live, and it’s okay — in fact, I need to remember — to live first.

If I finish I finish, but meanwhile I (write to) live.